Lies We Believe About Marriage: A Recap

Well, my pace has slowed, but my conviction has not. As hinted at in the previous post, I have been faced with many obstacles lately, but these trials have only spurred me on more to seek THE Truth and to communicate that truth with all who will listen. Thank you so much to all of you who have encouraged me in this area of ministry. Your sweet words have meant more than you could possibly know.

Better late than never... Here's the recap on the last section of lies we covered from pages 71-73 of the companion guide to Lies Women Believe:

• LIE: I HAVE TO HAVE A HUSBAND TO BE HAPPY.
• TRUTH: Happiness is not found in (or out of) marriage. No one person can meet my needs or make me truly happy. True joy can only be found through Christ.

Jeremiah 17:5-8

• LIE: IT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY TO CHANGE MY MATE.
• TRUTH: A godly life and prayer are a wife's two greatest means of influencing her husband.

Proverbs 21:1,9

• LIE: MY HUSBAND IS SUPPOSED TO SERVE ME.
• TRUTH: If I expect to be served, I will be disappointed. If I seek to serve without expecting anything in return, I will never be disappointed.

Genesis 2:18

• LIE: IF I SUBMIT TO MY HUSBAND, I'LL BE MISERABLE.
• TRUTH: Submission places me under the covering and protection of God.

1 Peter 3:1-2

• LIE: IF MY HUSBAND IS PASSIVE, I'VE GOT TO TAKE THE INITIATIVE OR NOTHING WILL GET DONE.
• TRUTH: In God's design for marriage, the husband is the initiator. If a woman takes the reins rather than waiting on God to move her husband, her husband is likely to be less motivated to fulfill his God-given responsibility.
• LIE: SOMETIMES DIVORCE IS A BETTER OPTION THAN STAYING IN A BAD MARRIAGE.
• TRUTH: Marriage is a lifelong covenant. There is no marriage that God cannot heal. There is no person God cannot change. God's grace is sufficient, even in the most difficult or extreme circumstances.

Marriage and the home are the most precious and sacred things we have after our relationship with Christ. We need to guard them as such. If all Christian couples and families everywhere did nothing but devote their lives to building biblical marriages and raising God-fearing children in the truest sense, we would see a transformation take place on this planet that is absolutely incomprehensible. We are missing the mark by such an extraordinary distance and we don't even know it. I'm not talking about unbelievers. I'm talking about church-going, God-worshipping, Bible-reading Christians. We have missed the point, and it's time we came back to the true calling that God has placed on our lives. Let husbands be husbands as they were meant to be. Let wives be wives as they were meant to be. Let parents raise their own children for a change. I pray that the church would realize how much like the world we have become.

Up next: Lies we believe about children. Get ready to start digging!

Update and Quick Marriage Section Wrap-Up

Sorry folks! I have not been very good about keeping these posts going. Lots on my plate lately and really feeling the strain of pregnancy, plus nursing, plus all the other Patrick-related things, plus life, plus some worrisome bouts of depression (please keep me in your prayers!). I am blessed with an incredibly sensitive and attentive husband, as well as wonderful family and friends that are helping me get through this new stage of my life. God is so good, and I am daily reminding myself that my feelings are never a reliable indication of the work God is doing in my life or the perfect plan He has for me. If we listened to our feelings instead of God's word, we would all be in serious trouble. (Hmmm, maybe this is what's wrong with the world... just a thought.)

Anyways, I just wanted to wrap up this marriage section. There are two more lies in this chapter of the book that I am not going to spend a lot of time on, but I did want to just mention them here. Lie number 25 says, "If my husband is passive, I've got to take the initiative, or nothing will get done." This one really goes hand in hand with the last lie we covered about submission. The point again, is that we as wives need to be submissive to our husband's will, sharing our thoughts and opinions about life decisions, but ultimately following his lead. What if that leads us into bankruptcy because of my husband's inability to handle money? What if the kids are unruly because my husband doesn't know how to discipline?... Well, what if? Will it be the end of the world? Maybe that's what God will use to grow your husband. Maybe you will have to walk through the valley for several years before you can walk up on the mountain. God never said that our husbands would be perfect or that they would even make the right decisions. He simply said that we need to submit to and respect our husbands unconditionally.

Lie number 26 says, "Sometimes divorce is a better option than staying in a bad marriage." I feel like this one is rather obvious, at least for the audience reading this blog, so I'm not going to expound on it much. Divorce is not an option. Work it out. Despite popular opinion, love is not a feeling; it is a choice. Choose to love your husband no matter what.

A little side note: I really felt like God was laying it on my heart to express something to whoever is reading this blog. Though it is painfully obvious to me, it may not be so evident in the way that I write, that I have by no means perfected even one of these biblical principles. When I write about these lies in such a strongly-worded and direct way, it is often out of anger at myself for being so foolish and selfish in missing the point. I feel as the disciples must have felt when Jesus asked them, "Don't you know or understand even yet? Are your hearts too hard to take it in? 'You have eyes- can't you see? You have ears- can't you hear?' Don't you remember anything at all?" Mark 8:17-18. Harsh words from this man that we love to paint as gentle Jesus, meek and mild.

If I come across as harsh or uncompromising or even narrow-minded, it is because I see the sin and error in my own life, and can pretty safely bet that I'm not alone in my blunder. And if you read through the new testament, look at the words and actions that Jesus took in response to people who were so ignorantly walking in their own selfish sin, particularly the ones who were claiming to be followers of God, his words were anything but pretty. Somehow we have mistaken grace for a blind eye. Grace comes into the equation when we are offered heaven instead of hell. Grace doesn't say that it's ok to continue in our sin, even if we don't yet understand that what we're doing IS sin. You and I may not even be aware that a particular area of our lives can be construed as sin, but we should be ever striving to dig up every area of our lives, examining it closely, holding it up in the light of God's Word and asking Him to evaluate it and reevaluate it and convict us of any spot or blemish that we may be missing. And trust me, all of our lives, including my own, are chalk full of filthy rotten blemishes. Never accept that as just being human. You will never be perfect this side of heaven, but you should never, absolutely never, cease to say, "What now God?" There is always something else. You just have to be willing to get dirty and ask.

We are not all at the same place in our spiritual walk. There are many many things that I am still trying to figure out, and there are some things that have become clear (or at least clearER) to me in recent months and years, which I hope to share with all of you through these posts. I pray that we would be edified together and that we would be open to one another picking up shovels and digging into each other's lives together. I pray that we would hunger for the growth that comes when we lay aside our pride and dignity and humbly ask one another, "What sin do you see in my life? What have I missed that may be obvious to you?" Let us HELP one another! The sooner we all accept that we are filthy and depraved, and stop allowing hurt feelings and bruised egos to hinder our growth, the sooner we can stand together and get busy doing God's work on the earth. So get to digging!

Lie No. 24: If I Submit To My Husband, I'll Be Miserable

This is another one of those biblical principles that the church tends to shy away from because it's simply unpopular. So many of us have a negative view of what it means to submit, and rather than try to understand it, we reject it. I have actually heard friends say before that they didn't want to use the words "honor and obey" as part of their wedding vows because they just didn't like the idea of having to obey or submit to any man. I am woman, hear me roar... or some other junk like that.

I will say it again, as with all of these previous issues, the goal is not our happiness, but God's glory and honor. Marriage was not designed to make us happy. There is nothing wrong with being happy within a marriage; it is a wonderful thing. In fact, if we are living out that marriage the way that God intended, we will be joyful. Remember that joy comes from obedience. So how are we obedient?

"For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything." Ephesians 5:22-24

"But wait a minute," you say. "You left out the part about husbands loving their wives. They have a responsibility too in all of this. Why should I obey if he isn't loving towards me?"

Husbands do, indeed, have a responsibility to love their wives, and he should love her and sacrifice his own needs for hers unconditionally, whether she obeys or not, simply because God commanded it. His obedience to God is not contingent on his circumstances.

Having said that, the same goes for wives. We are so quick as a society to say that men are just supposed to love their wives. They are supposed to be happy and content, no matter how much or how little respect they get from their wives. But when the tables are turned, we flip on the feminist switch, stomp our foot down, and say "I don't have to submit to anyone or anything. Just you try and tell me what to do."

Wives, no matter the condition of your husband's heart, attitude, and actions, down to every single infraction, short of forcing you to denounce God, you are bound by God's command and your husband's leadership. His act of being unloving does not give you a free pass to then branch off on your own and take the reigns. Our response should be, "Lord, I choose to submit to and obey YOU, and as a result, I will submit to and obey the husband that YOU have given me. I will do so ALL the time, in ALL circumstances, not just when I feel like it, not just when he 'deserves' it, not just when it's convenient, not just when he makes the 'right' decision... ALL the time, unconditionally, and for no other reason than that you have asked it of me."

It is important to remember these truths that DeMoss discusses on pages 147-148 of her book:

• Wives, you are not inferior to your husbands. Submission to authority is an act of obedience to God, and does not indicate that your worth is any less than that of the person you are submitting to.
• Husbands are not permitted to be harsh or dictatorial with their wives. They will be held accountable for their actions just as wives will be for theirs. Your obedience to your husband is not a free pass for your husband to abuse you, though his harshness is not a free pass for you to abandon your responsibility to God through marriage. If you or your children are in physical danger, I believe it would be wise to separate yourself physically from the situation. As this is not the case for most of us, however, we should not use these extreme cases as an excuse for all women to be rid of the shackles of marriage and obedience.
• Wives, you are to provide input and opinions about the issues you and your husband face. You do not need to sit back and keep your mouth shut in the home. God gave you a brain for a reason; he does intend you to use it and be a "helpmate" to your husband. Share your opinions with him privately. Express your concerns and ideas. Then trust him to take the information and make the decision that he believes to be best for your family, and allow him to do so. Never publicly criticize or argue with your husband.
• Husbands are not always right. When God told wives to submit to their husbands, he didn't say "because they are perfect and they will always make the right decision." They are human, they will fail at times, they will not always make the right decision. Our obedience to our husbands has nothing to do with whether or not they are right.

That last statement there is a tough one for many women to follow. How many times in your own marriage have you thought, "My husband has no idea what he's doing with our finances. I'll just do it myself." "He never even reads his Bible or goes to church. What does he know about leading a marriage. I'm better off just doing what I think is best and leaving him out of the picture." But think about these words from 1 Peter, and I will leave you with this:

"Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." 1 Peter 3:1-2

Lie No. 23: My Husband Is Supposed To Serve Me

A disclaimer: A wife is not to be her husband's slave, and a husband, under no circumstance, is ever to be a tyrannical king on his throne, never lifting a finger to serve his family. Having said that, and understanding that this is not the case for most of us, consider these words from Lies Women Believe:

"In the past couple of decades, there has been a significant movement challenging men to become men of God, to love their wives and children, and to express that love through sacrifice and service. What an encouragement it has been to see God stirring men and turning their hearts toward Him and toward their homes. However, in the midst of this emphasis, we women need to be careful that we do not lose sight of the primary roles God has given us to fulfill...

The Truth is that God did not make the man to be a 'helper' to the woman. He made the woman to be a 'helper' to the man. Of course, this does not mean that men are not to serve their wives and children. If men are to love their wives as Christ loved the church, there must be the willingness to lay down their lives and become servants, even as Christ did for His bride.

But if we as women focus on what we 'deserve,' on our 'rights,' or on what men 'ought' to do for us, we will become vulnerable to hurt and resentment when our expectations are not fulfilled. Blessing and joy are the fruit of seeking to be a giver rather than a taker and of looking for ways to bless, serve, and minister to the needs of our families." p. 142-143

While the feminist movement, and as a result, the majority of women today, would like to look at the role of a housewife as demeaning and worthless, nothing more than unfair bondage, we must remember the value that God places on women as a result of their work as wives and mothers. As we discussed in the post on careers outside the home, "There is no greater measure of [the woman's] worth or success as a woman than the extent to which she serves as the heart of her home." p. 127 While there is nothing innately wrong with pursuing a career or having other hobbies, if God has given you a husband (and possibly children), you have no higher calling. You are to be a servant to that family above all else. And you are to do it with all that you have.

In a recent post on Generation Cedar, there was a link to a document called the True Woman Manifesto, in which this statement is made: "Men and Women are both created in the image of God and are equal in value and dignity, but they have distinct roles and functions in the home and in the church." Somehow, women have lost sight of their distinct roles and functions that God commanded, which have not changed in the last 2000 years despite popular opinion. Your mission field is your home. Are you serving there as Christ would serve, or are you too focused on chasing a career to meet the true needs of your family? There are times when we have no choice but to work, and having a "job" is not a crime; but when that job becomes the passion of your life, and you are now turning to your husband to help you accomplish your agenda instead of seeking to serve him, you have strayed from the path God laid out for you as a wife and mother.

DeMoss had this to say about her own mother and the "shallow" life she lived as a housewife: "Many women today would consider this lifestyle oppressive. But my mother was far from downtrodden. To the contrary, my father cherished and highly esteemed the partner God placed by his side and delighted to see her maximize her God-given potential and abilities." p. 145

"We are never more like Jesus than when we are serving Him or others. There is no higher calling than to be a servant." p. 144

For our generation, and even our mothers' generation, it goes against every fiber of our being to say that the life of a housewife is far more valuable and fulfilling than any career could ever afford us, because it has been so ingrained in our heads that to live the biblical, godly life is outdated and shallow, and that we are to serve no one, especially a man. And as hard as it may be to go against the grain of society, WE MUST USE SCRIPTURE AS OUR RULEBOOK, not the godless voices of countless feminists. The Bible is very clear about the SPECIFIC roles of the wife and mother, and it is our job to obey ALL those commands, not just the ones we like. How can you serve your husband today? How can you serve your children? If you are not married, how can you be a servant to someone in the church? We are all called to be servants. Go and serve!

"Then the Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.'" Genesis 2:18

Lie No. 22: It Is My Responsibility To Change My Mate

I'll be brief today. Whether your husband is floundering spiritually, or you're simply annoyed with his quirky little habits, we must remember that it is God's job to make him into the man that HE wants him to be, not our job to make him into the man that WE want him to be.

And the most effective tool we have in coming along side the work God is doing in his life is prayer. Prayer for him, that he would be sensitive to the voice of God, and that he would step out in faith to be the kind of spiritual leader God is calling him to be. And prayer for ourselves, that we would stop our whining and get out of the way so that God can work in his life without the burden of a nagging wife to weigh him down. The best thing you can do for your husband is to make sure that your own walk with God is where it should be and be an encouragement to him in every positive step he takes. Leave the hard work to God. Trust me, you're not cut out for it anyways. I know I'm not. It's not that their lives are such a horrible mess that it's beyond our capability; it's that God has them right where he wants them, and he is molding them into the men that He wants them to be, something we have no business attempting to do. And maybe, just maybe, all those little "flaws" that we're so concerned about will actually end up endearing them to us even more.

"The king's heart is like a stream of water directed by the Lord; he guides it wherever he pleases... It's better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home." Proverbs 21:1,9

Lie No. 21: I Have To Have A Husband To Be Happy

And similarly... My husband is supposed to make me happy.

This is something that I struggled with terribly as a teen and as a young adult in high school and college, and it is something that I am learning to change, but have probably never really dealt with entirely. I have a wonderful marriage, but could it have gotten off to an even better start if I had learned to rest in the Lord entirely, BEFORE I got married? Perhaps.

I praise the Lord every day that He listened to my prayers as a young woman in the years leading up to my marriage to Luke. I prayed so intently that God would not allow me to date anyone but the man I was going to marry. I wanted so much to be able to share that sacred bond with one man and one man only, untainted by past experiences that would have taken precious pieces of my heart. But I definitely cannot say that my attitudes and actions mirrored those desires. Thankfully, though so painfully at the time, God cut every feeble attempt off at the root, never allowing even remote intimacy to develop in my life with anyone but Luke. And praise the Lord, He did the same for Luke in his life, reserving each of us entirely for the other.

There is no doubt in my mind that this marriage is ordained and blessed by God, but as I asked above, could it have been better? Could we each have been more grounded in our relationships with Christ before we attempted to love one another? Absolutely! Thankfully, God has blessed us abundantly in spite of our shortcomings, and we are in a position where we are able to encourage one another and grow together into deeper and more intimate relationships with our Savior. But those shortcomings have indeed produced obstacles in our marriage that add nothing but unnecessary turmoil at times.

As a young woman, I allowed my desire to be loved by a man outweigh my desire to be loved by my maker. I allowed my desire for audible praise and attention to outweigh my desire for the quiet acceptance of my heavenly father. I allowed my desire for physical touch to outweigh my desire for the intimate touch of Jesus. And those desires carried into my marriage. Now that I had acquired that love, praise, and physical touch of a man, I expected them to be perfect, to meet all those needs in the exact way I had always dreamed they would be met. And when he wasn't able to do that, as no man on earth would ever have been able to, I was met with disappointment.

What I failed to see, as we have all failed to see in every area of our lives, was that life is not designed to make me happy. Rather, I was designed to glorify God, and if I can do that with a husband, then God will provide one for me. If I can better serve him alone, then I will be alone. And within a marriage, the purpose is not to make one another happy but to serve and honor the Lord together.

"The Truth is that God has promised to give us everything we need, and if He knows a husband would make it possible for us to bring greater glory to Him, then He will provide a husband.

The Truth is that contentment is not found in having everything we think we want but in choosing to be satisfied with what God has already provided.

The Truth is that those who insist on having their own way often end up with unnecessary heartache, while those who wait on the Lord always get His best." p. 140

You know, I won't lie. There are certainly ways in which having a husband makes me "happy" as I had always hoped it would. It has been said by one of my pastors that money, people, and things can indeed make you "happy", but happy is not the goal; joy is the goal, and only the Lord can give you that. When Luke brings me flowers, it makes me happy, but then the flowers wilt, the moment is gone, and I am waiting for the next thing that will make me happy. Only when I learn to rest wholeheartedly in the Lord to provide me with EVERYTHING I need will I finally find true peace, joy, and contentment.

"This is what the Lord says: 'Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans, who rely on human strength and turn their hearts away from the Lord. They are like stunted shrubs in the desert, with no hope for the future. They will live in the barren wilderness, in an uninhabited salty land. But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit."

Jeremiah 17:5-8