Really, God?

This is a question I seem to have asked a lot over the course of this last year.

Really?

You’re really going to give us this beautiful baby boy to take care of? He’s really going to be this healthy and well-tempered? This husband of mine is really mine? You’re really going to bless us like this in the midst of so much financial turmoil everywhere around us? We really get to go to this amazing church? We really get to be friends with all of these beautiful souls?

Really, God?

I sort of don’t know what to say. Thank you, I guess? It just doesn’t seem enough somehow. And, honestly, the pessimist in me is waiting for the rug to be pulled out from underneath me, a character flaw that I must work on. Amazingly, despite all of the goodness that God has bestowed upon me, I am still doubting.

I still fall short.

I am still, and always will be... unworthy of it all.

I have recently, more so than ever before, become unavoidably aware of the sin in my life, the filthiness of my heart, and my complete and utter unworthiness of all the grace and beauty that God has so abundantly poured out in my life.

Even in the moments of attempted service and worship of God, I find that my heart seeks to elevate myself rather than Him, and shine light on my “good” deeds rather than on His perfect Son.

And I am reminded that it is not my musical ability or my home or my food or my money that ministers to anyone. It is He who plays through me, His home that has been opened, His food that has been enjoyed, His time and money that have been given.

And praise the Lord for that fact. Praise God that this weight is not on my shoulders, but on His. Praise God that I am not the one who has to give anything, be anything, bring anything... but myself.

I simply have to be a willing vessel.

And even when I mistakenly choose not to be even that... even then, He is glorified in spite of me.

And by His grace, I am allowed to benefit from the work He is doing.

So, as I look ahead at this new year, and wonder what plans He has for me, I simply pray that my heart would be a willing one and my body would be a useful one.

And if God blesses me, my response would always be a humble... Really, God?